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RANTS
The 10 most dangerous playthings of all time.. Cont'd
December 26th, 2006
6. Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun
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Some kids had belt buckles. Others had cap guns. Only the lucky ones had the Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun, a two-in-one combo that took care of all your pants-securing needs with the option every ten-year-old dreams of: the ability to shoot caps at groin level.
One Bat Masterson enthusiast, identified as "Tim from Shoreview, Maine" on nostalgia website Boomberbaby.com remembers, "When you stuck out your stomach putting pressure on the buckle, a small gun would pop out and fire a cap." A gut-busting meal, in that case, could lead to a serious friendly-fire mishap. |
| CROTCH ROCKET That's not the kind of pelvic thrust Suzy had in mind |
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According to SafeKids USA, "Caps can be ignited by friction and cause serious burns." Every young boy needs to learn the valuable lesson of always protecting his nether regions, with force if necessary, but given the positioning of the Derringer, the owner's greatest enemy might have actually been puberty.
7. Creepy Crawlers
Nothing says safety like an open hot plate. And nothing says fun like using that open hot plate to create molten, rubbery insects you can throw at your sister while narrowly avoiding setting the house ablaze. The 1964 Creepy Crawler Thingmaker from Mattel, a distant cousin of today's Creepy Crawler toys, came with a series of molds, tubes of "plastigoop," and an open-faced frier, which could heat up to a nerve-searing 310 degrees.
The plastigoop was poured over an extremely hot surface and then cast into the molds of various multi-colored critters. The results? Fingerprint removal. At least those who dodged serious injury or disfigurement could safely eat their creation. Oh wait, the critters were toxic, too. But this was the '60s, and though there was an outcry from the singed and sickened masses, Mattel went right on marketing their electric ovens to children. |
THE FRYING GAME Horse around with the Thingmaker and you'll get the third degree |
8. Johnny Reb Cannon
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| WHISTLING DIXIE Through the new hole in your head |
The South did rise again, at least during playtime for the owners of the Johnny Reb, a 30-inch "authentic civil war" cannon draped in the confederate flag. The Reb fired hard, plastic cannonballs with a spring mechanism—the aspiring secessionist need only pull a lanyard. No word on exactly how fast the cannonballs flew, but they traveled up to 35 feet and seemed perfectly sized to lodge into an eye socket, down an open mouth, or through a slave's window.
For only $11.98, young rebels got a cannon, six cannon balls, a ramrod, and a rebel flag. What better way to permanently maim your little brother while spreading valuable lessons about states' rights?
9. Battlestar Galactica Missile Launcher
READY, AIM, CHOKE Never underestimate the stopping power of a tiny plastic missile |
Battlestar Galactica was everyone's favorite television Star Wars rip-off in 1978. Especially cool among the Battlestar offerings were a series of missile launchers known individually as the Viper, the Cylon Raider, the Scarab, and the Stellar Probe. Young boys routinely forgot they actually asked for the Millennium Falcon for Christmas once they saw the sweet, sweet projectile action.
It takes just a few jabbed eyes, some torn intestines and the death of a child to bring down a party, and that's just what happened in January 1979, when the battle cruiser missiles were finally recalled. Most of the accidents were caused by salvos that went tragically off target. Mattel, working with the CPSC, announced that the fatality occurred when a young boy in Atlanta fired one of the missiles into his mouth. The missiles, at one and a quarter inches, were just about the ideal size to land in one's esophagus and stay there. The boy's parents thought so too. They sued Mattel for $14 million.
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10. Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle
The Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle is one of those toys kids salivate over for years. Even adults can barely contain their jealousy when the little brat from down the block whizzes by on that shiny plastic hog. But the ride wasn't always so smooth. In fact, on some models, there was a rather serious glitch.
Eager youngsters who gunned the throttle found that it often stayed gunned, stuck in a petrifying state of perma-acceleration. Presumably, the child on the motorcycle was then taken on a hellish, intestine-twisting scream ride. At one point, he or she would face choices unthinkable except in an Evel Knievel meets Knightrider crossover episode: Do I jump? Or do I ride it out and see if I can clear the gully? Is it sentient? Can it be reasoned with?
In August 2000, Fisher-Price recalled 218,000 of the Power Wheels motorcycles, warning: "Children can be injured when the motorcycle ride-ons fail to stop and strike other objects." Stunt children everywhere observed a moment of silence.
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QUEASY RIDER From zero to broken arm in 39 seconds |
Honorable Mention: Manley Toys Disco Light
DISCO INFERNO The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! Seriously |
The brightly-colored disco ball cost 1,500 Chuck E. Cheese tickets. For the average skee-baller, that adds up to about 15 months of play at a cost of approximately $20,000. If reports are accurate, the hard-won dance aide could also burn down your house. When left on too long, the ball's multicolored sides begin to melt. The plastic goop then slides down to your shag carpet, creating a foul smelling inferno of plastic, hair, and light bulb filament. At least, that's what we assume happened in Jacksonville, Florida, when the innocuous looking orb, presumably left on after an extensive dance party, wrought death and destruction in May of this year, according to reports.
The case is still pending and the disco balls have yet to be recalled, but Chuck E. Cheese did see fit to remove them from his prize arsenal, and the manufacturer has since added a warning. Dancers are now advised to use the fun sphere for no longer than four hours at a time, which is about four hours longer than any kid should be disco-ing. The real danger here is probably less to dancing children than to the transfixed pot smoker. |
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