RANT
Horny goat weed
October 22nd, 2006

I was wandering through the drugstore a few days back and noticed I was in the Vitamin isle.  What the hell are half of these things and do people actually take all of this stuff?  I started reading some of them and was laughing out loud.  I called my wife over and pointed to one bottle in particular asking if I could buy it and bring it home to try?  With the typical look of disgust, she asked why I would want to try Horny Goat Weed no matter what its claims were?  I let her finish her shopping while I snuck to a cash register and bought a bottle figuring I would surprise her with some crazy animal love later this evening.

I got home and couldn’t wait to try it.  What would it do?  Would I go crazy and make mad passionate love all night long?  Would it do anything or did I just waste $19.95 on some pills that would turn my urine an ultra-glowing neon green?  I popped a few in my mouth and washed it down with some scotch.

Now it was time to sit back and wait.  The wife was in the kitchen making dinner and I was lounging in the easy chair watching the Tigers battle their way to the play-offs.  It had been a long day and I was getting tired, I hoped I wouldn’t fall asleep before the Horny Weed kicked in. 
Next thing I know I wake up to the fire alarm going off which in my house means that dinner is served.  I stumbled up, walking into the kitchen and noticed the wife was looking a little sexy this evening and asked if she had done anything different to her hair?  She just gave me one of those looks and told me to fill my drink before I sat down.  I could barely make it through dinner, I was getting antsy and wasn’t really hungry, I was getting nervous and thought this stuff might be kicking in too soon.  Wolfing down my food I cleaned the table and took a shower before bed. 
While in the shower I noticed I had the water set so there was no hot water coming out of the nozzle, and it still didn’t bother me?  What was going on with my senses?   I got out of the shower, dried off and went into the bedroom while my wife said she was going to take a quick shower.  I laid down for a minute and must have dozed off again.  Waking up to my wife screaming sort of scared me.  What was I doing on top of the headboard on all fours?!  Letting out a snort I reared up on my legs and charged her.  Hitting her square in the forehead with mine, I sent her flying across the room.  Chewing my way up to her towel, I ravaged her like the animal she looked like.  I lasted for hours and the Viagra commercial kept replying in my head – ‘If your erection lasts for more than four hours, call a doctor’ – yeah right! 
After the fifth hour of heated love making, my wife started throwing Holy Water on me telling me to stay away from her.  She couldn’t handle another orgasm and was scared of the noises I was making.  The dog was in the corner whimpering to get out of the room and for some reason the cat had clawed its way up the chimney.  I told her that it wasn’t going down and she gave me the green light to do what I had to do to ‘Knock It Down’.  Forget calling a doctor, I called every girl I knew and told them that I had a situation and needed their help immediately.  As one would walk in the door I would rear up and head butt them into submission.  The animal instinct in me kept me going for hours like this until my living room started to look like some Roman bath house.  After I had exhausted every female I knew, I countersunk the nails in the deck with my new skin-hammer and then soaked it in a pitcher of 18 year old scotch until I passed out. 
Next thing I know, I awake on the easy chair with a half full glass of warm scotch.  The smoke alarm is going off and the wife is yelling at me to come for dinner.  I look around wondering what the hell is going on?  Was this all a dream?  What is wrong with my head to make me think crazy thoughts like that?  I stumble into the kitchen and my wife gives me one of those looks.  I slump into my chair at the head of the table while she tells me if I ever pull a stunt like that again, she’s going to buy a video camera.

Told to me at a bar while sipping some quality scotch melting away a mushroom buzz. 
– Scott Garner
scott@stldmag.com

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